Make The Days Count

Syllabi read. Books ordered. Parking pass purchased. Mild panic attack ensuing. In eight [extremely] short months from now, I will be considered a graduate of Xavier University Class of 2016. The sound of that title is surreal. Now, on the eve of my last day of summer, before I sell my soul to senior year, all the feelings are ending in something bittersweet. Nearly 16 years of school have been completed, and I'm about to begin my final year of this season of my life. I can't lie right now, it's absolutely terrifying. How did I grow up so fast that in eight months I will literally be what they call an "adult"? I will have a college degree, and Lord willing, my license to practice nursing in the great state of Ohio. I remember elementary school and snack time and field day. I remember middle school with recess and the start of my real soccer career. I remember high school and pep rallies and football games and working at Chick-fil-A. I remember the past 3 years of college and the comforts of home cooked meals and late night donut runs and so much freedom I didn't know what to do with myself. Despite the fact that I've now got a big girl job to support myself, and have an apartment with one of my best friends, I still feel like a kid. A kid that needs her mom for pep talks and advice, practically all the time. A kid who will always want to play on the playground and climb trees. A kid that prefers PB&J sandwiches to cooking lunch because it's easier. A kid that waits till the very last minute to wash her clothes because doing laundry is the worst. A kid that will lose her voice singing in the car because that's the only right way to sing. I'm not ready to grow up. However, I've learned that much of life is doing the hard things, because it's often the heard things that reap the greatest rewards. And fortunately, I'm always allowed to be a kid at heart [so long as the bills are paid and responsibilities kept up with]. I guess the point in typing this all out was to put in words that I'm learning day after day that God is faithful. He has provided me with more than enough resources to make it. Maybe my heart isn't ready to do the adulting thing yet, but my spirit is, and God is calling me to go. As I take on the adventure of my senior year of college/final year of school EVER, I will choose to do it boldly and confidently, trusting that at the end of it all, adulthood will bring amazing memories and opportunities far different and far better than I could have anticipated. Bring it on.

Just Be Held

I am not afraid, I was born into this life for purposes far beyond my understanding, but I hope to learn those reasons as I live and grow and thrive. The current events of my life have come suddenly, in this massive tornado of events and emotions and change, and I've learned through all of it that I handle emotions extremely poorly. Change is something I tend to run from and I do my best to suppress any emotion associated with it - that being said, I recently started this crazy awesome new job that will mostly turn into my career and I moved out on my own for real for the very first time in my life - two of the biggest changes that anyone ever experiences. I've reached the point where I feel like I have mountains of expectations from all of the people in my life, and I literally cannot keep up with anything any more. However, it's been made very clear that these expectations are very much contained within my mind, and I am surrounded by incredible people who would give so much to support me and remind me that I have no reason to be alone. There is one song that truly mirrors my life right now, "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns. I put in their CD while I showered after my run earlier, and I have listened to it on repeat for the last hour now. "And when you're tired of fighting and chained by your control, there's freedom in surrender. Lay it down and let it go" - control is something I struggle with greatly, and lately I've made moves that have left me feeling vulnerable and exposed. "So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away, you're not alone, stop holding on and just be held. Your worlds not falling apart, it's falling into place. I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held" - this is the chorus of the song but for me it's something else entirely. When I close my eyes and hear the words, I hear God's sweet voice speaking directly to me, telling me to calm my heart, let Him take my anxiety and let Him hold me. Through trials and blessings, I'm reminded that I made a choice to put my hope in a God that walks with me through it ALL. He is the one who hold my heart. He is the one who provides rest and He promises to never let go.